Bono attempts to avoid diplomatic incident as Russian threat grows over unreleased U2 songs

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Showdown talks were held tonight as Russian President Dmitry Medvedev met with religious leader, political diplomatic and sometime popstar Bono as relations between the East and West soured over the news that U2 are considering releasing 25-30 new songs. Getintothis gegged in for an exclusive ringside seat.


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So, thanks for coming Sir Bono, I hope we can convince you not to release these new tracks…
No chance, son. We’ve three albums worth in the vaults and one hit single will justify at least another Greatest Hits package. You can get to f*ck.
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Let’s discuss this over tea and biscuits back at the ranch. What do you think of my new wheels?
Shite, pal. Even Elton wouldn’t ride in this joke.
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This is ridiculous. Where’s your compassion? I’ll take my shades off if you will…
I didn’t take my shades off for Mandela, so you’ve got no f*cking chance.
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I’m trying to be reasonable, here. No Line On The Horizon was a disaster. The world can’t handle anymore of your gack. Even The Edge is sick of you – he’s moonlighting with Muse, for God’s sake.’
Don’t take the Lord’s name in vein, you commie bastard.
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Ok, how about we take out Obama, you take the reins and we arrange Q Magazine to nominate you as the most influential band of all time. Better than REf*ckingM!?
Hmm, you have a persuasive manner, can Chris Martin be my gimp?

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