BONG BONG! Getintothis had an uber-rad time at the Glastonbury Festival 2011. We learnt so much about culture, what it is to be alt and how to have a ‘meaningful authentic experience’. Here’s a run-down on how our life was changed forever.
The Glastonbury Festival isn’t a festival – it is a way of life.
It isn’t about music, it is about ‘The Experience’. And if you haven’t dipped your dick you can’t have an opinion on ‘the big Glasto experience’.
It is the DADDY because it started in 1937 just after WWII to cheer up bros and is now considered the most meaningful experience you can ever have.
It is run by an old farmer bro called Micky Eaves who had druid rellies that built Stonehenge – an English druggy temple – and that is where Glastonbury Festi takes place now. But it is also a farm.
This gives ‘Glasto’ extra authenticity as you can ‘find yourself’ and stay ‘true to nature’ with the cows and shit.
In today’s uber-sponsored mainstream society, Glasto is the ultimate alt experience.
After months of prep, a 19-hour journey on National Expressy, a four hour queue to get in and a three hour sweat-slog to bag the last remaining bit of farm to tent, our ‘experience’ begins.
Sucked having a blue tent.
Our neighbours had super-rad pop up tent with deluxe kitchenware. They were lamestream ‘glamping’ dicks but Glasto Law says we must be buds, so we share ass-wipes and listen to them sing The Killers every night round the campfire til 5am.
Our other neighbours were bros with mad Bank from Highgate. They hired T££pee$ to show they appreciated Glasto’s authentic, organic ethos. We didn’t see them much as they got laminates for the VIP.
Despite UK summertime and hose ban, Glasto always GOES TO SHIT if there’s rain. But this is all part of ‘the experience’ and the famous Glasto mud//cow excre//Hep C shit only adds to the alt-festy vibe.
Thursday it rained.
Our other neighbour bro in an ARGOs//’working class’ tent nearly drowned. He never found his clothes, m0by, bank or pills but still had a rad time as the Glasto spirit ‘got him through’.
Alt families do Glasto. Every alt Fam can enjoy the vibe 2gether ‘as one’.
This an alt Fam we met kicking back in Glasto mud//cow excre//glue-shit.
Alt Dad bro was back in the pop up Fam tent blowing up Alt Mum’s airbed so they can be chill at 10.30 bells just after the Chris Martin Bands.
Being an alt-kid at Glasto blows. Going thru mudshit in Homey Bargains ‘fancy dress wear’ sucks. But when you reach tweem you can bag extra scene points by nostalgiasising your Glasto ‘As A Kid Experience’.
Falling in Glasto cow crud//Hep C// is an ‘authentic’ alt experience. So is contracting gout like ‘in the olden days.’
This is no ordinary cow turd. Capturing the ‘Glasto Experience’ will stay with U 4 LIFE.
Sliding through Glasto mudshit may seem alt but it’s more lamestreamer Leeds/Reading/dumbass festy vibe. To be authentic Glasto crusty you attain dirt.
After traipsing round the Glasto mudshit farm for days, the great cycle of life is complete when you visit Glasto’s Poop Shooters.
This Minimum Wage bro sticks his hose in Poop Shoots to suck out poop/mudshit/vadge pads/Hep C/VIP lams dropped by drank bros.
All the VIPs ‘do’ Glasto.
Hippie DJ Jo Willy was lookin super-rad in her Hunters despite having just ‘dropped’ her ninth child Bombay Mix.
Gnarly soccer bro Wazza Roo, Colly Roo and lil’ Roo brought street vibes to their ‘Glasto Experience’.
Wazza Roo ‘smashed shit up‘ when he found out The McFly‘s had pulled. He prob digs Radio City Live Festy more than Glasto.
Thesp bro Ian ‘Gandolfs’ McKellen and Johnny Depps bro had their ‘Glasto Experience.’
Liverpool FC soccer drinker bro Andy Carole had his ‘Glasto Experience’.
Lady Gagas and her trannies had their ‘Glasto Experience’.
The Whitey Stripeys had their ‘Glasto Experience’.
Porno fans had their ‘Glasto Experience’.
Kasabian bros had their ‘Glasto Experience’.
Madonna had her ‘Glastonbury Experience’.
Have you had your ‘Glasto Experience?’
‘Are you experienced?’
One Daily Mail MP bro got too experienced and ‘did a Jim Morrison‘. Bad times bro.
He joined The Great Gig in the Sky on this Hospitality VIP throne//Poop Shoot days after mad-ass scandal.
Courtney Love is writing a new diary to claim ‘conspiracy Bank’.
Gay Tory bro Willy Youngy was obvz spoken to by cops. His ruffled bangs show he’s down with the ‘alt experience’.
But there is LIFE AFTER DEATH.
And like life, ‘The Glasto Experience’ goes on.
Music may not be everything to the experience but it is part of the experience. Old bro Mickey Eaves and his alt daughter Evy Eaves always get haters/critics/death threats for picking bad/contr0versials/good/black/newbie/un-authentic bands.
In 2k11 they picked old bros The U2s.
The U2s are like a big brand version of The Dires Straits and come from an olden time before you could buy music in stores.
The U2s singer is President B0n0. No-one likes him cos he is political/likes Jesus/wants to ‘save Africa’/wears leather dick enlargers.
Haters/Commie bastards/Minimum Wage Bros tried to bumrush The U2s ‘Glasto Experience’ with a giant condom full of Bank.
But The U2s security mob confiscated the condom to ‘give to Africa’.
The U2s dicked on the haters/Commie Bastards using subtle visuals. So deep. So emotive.
B0n0s left the farm with Michael Jackson’s corpse = ‘The big Glasto Experience.’ = Peace Sign For Africa.
Lots of other bands played Glasto.
Vampy Weekend‘s dad Paulie Simone had his ‘Glasto Experience.’
B0n0‘s son had his ‘Glasto Experience’ playing in The Chris Martin Band.
‘Alt bro of the People’ Jerry Cockend of The Pulps stayed authentic to his ‘zany’ brand.
‘Bro of the People’ Guy Guyvey of The Elbows. He is the bro’s bro cos you can attain to be Guy Guyvey. His fat/ugly/happy/beers/but nice brand = Bro of the People.
Tinie Temps is ‘Blacks Bro of the People’. He bagged UK MOBOs BONG in Liverpool and since then has grown a beard to show he is more alt and mature sounding.
‘Gay Bro of the People’ Morris stayed alt with French Maid/Chutney Pusher brand.
Arctic Monkey bro has really taken the US alt-bro brand to the limit.
Jazzy J is LDN’s ‘answer’ to The Lady Gagas brand. She is ‘Lo-Rent’ Gagas. She had a stage prop robot leg. She tanked.
The Radioheads played ‘a secret’ show that everyone knew about. They tanked.
Primal Screamies enjoyed their ‘Glasto Experience’ playing their 1971 alt ‘classic’ Screamydelly.
The W00 Tangys enjoyed their ‘Glasto Experience.’
Hipsters Tele or Radio during their ‘Glasto Experience.’
The F00 Fight Club enjoyed their ‘Glasto Experience’.
The Beady Eyes during their ‘Glasto Experience’.
No idea who this alt buzzband is//was//where. But they were gettin mad paps cos the bro is ‘an item’ with supermuff K Mossy.
K Mossy is the uber-Glasto alt/mainstreamer combo-brand winning top CLOBBER BONG for her festy get up.
Fleety Foxy keep it alt with their Beard Brand.
Lily Allens never ‘recovered’ from quitting ‘the industry’ to have alt kids.
Lenny Kravitz bro has let himself go.
The winner of the ‘Glastonbury Experience’ was Beyoncey//Sue Fierce//Bb//Mrs Jay-Zee cos she ‘united’ all of Glastonbury.
And showed leg//side titties/snatch//BIG BANGS.
She also won cos former Glasto Winner J-Zee is her bro husband and Gwyny P is her ‘bezzie’.
Beyoncey is one of ‘us’//alt//VIP//authentic//HAWT. Beyoncey = meaningful and authentic = ‘Glastonbury’.
Alt DJ dick Zippy Low was the Glasto Loser saying Beyoncey tanked. He was ‘given the push’ live on primetime TV by J-Zay.
We had such a rad ‘Glastonbury Experience’. So deep. So emotive. So alt. So ‘spiritual’.
We left the ‘sacred farm’ to the cows and nature and shit.
Our meaningful experience is over. Now we can begin planning the NEXT ONE.
How was your ‘experience’?
Did you ‘find yourself’?
Who did you think ‘won’ Glasto: Beyoncey//Chris Martin Band//The U2s//’a buzzband’?
Did you nearly OD in a Poop Shoot?
Is Courtney Love a Detective?
Was Zippy Lowe right to be capped?
