Glastonbury Festival reached new levels of depravity in 2013, Getintothis reveals the inside story on the great baby massacre organisers hoped to hide.
Medieval musicianship, drug-fuelled deviance and widespread child massacring dominated the Glastonbury 2013 as organiser’s claimed it was their best festival yet.
With the average age of performer’s hitting an unprecedented level of 87-years-old, Pilton Farm witnessed it’s first ever live resurrection.
Meanwhile, in a move widely condemned as ‘progressive’ and out of line with the festival’s feel good nature, babies were secretly smuggled on to the site to be butchered to death.
Here’s Getintothis‘ undercover report on the human decimation in Somerset.
All was cheery on day one of Glastonbury Festival 2013 – save for the characteristically ill-advised clothing.
The usual celebrities took to the farm, including comedian Jo Brand…
…and Paul Gascoigne, who’s rehabilitation was once again back on track
Yet, it wasn’t long before a sinister subtext emerged, as thousands of children began being wheeled on to the site, and being led to an unseemly demise.
Often tempted with nothing but an ice cream children were massacred at will.
Unsuspecting mothers were whisked off site and detained at nearby B&Bs until Monday when their grief had subsided
Away from the baby-snatching, performances plummeted equal levels of depravity; Foals spent two and half hours defecating on the Other Stage.
A supermarket sales assistant played dross Johnny Cash covers – but no one could hear him above the deafening cries of the children.
Elsewhere, babies took matters into their own hands, often relying on crowd surfing while still in their buggys to flee the ongoing massacre. The Guardian was one of few mainstream newspapers able to cover the story.
Meanwhile, medical advancements saw Billy Fury unearthed and looking fresher than ever in a discount Reiss dinner jacket.
Drug consumption reached an all-time high as people’s heads were replaced by over-sized tangerines.
The following morning, children had gotten wise to their fate but little could prevent the inevitable.
Evasive action, including improvised defence mechanisms, failed to stop the Pilton onslaught.
To make matters worse, the Red Hot Chili Peppers turned up.
As did that old dude off the butter advert.
One baby eluded the carnage, producing the first ‘rock’ set to be played at Glastonbury since The Eagles’ historic display in 1942.
Heading straight from the bingo, a gaggle of spannered grannies headlined on Saturday.
Instruments were unleashed and orifices probed.
Madonna was special guest.
Daft Punk’s secret set next to two overflowing bins of faeces was watched by absolutely no one.
Instead, 100,000 people gathered to watch an old man mince about.
On Sunday everyone woke up with steaming hangovers to find he was still mincing about – except his mask had melted in the heat.
By now, brazen child killers were openly parading babies before having their brains sucked out of their ears by bulbous blue torture devices.
The Child Catcher Grandmaster played a storming mid-afternoon set sponsored by Just For Men.
Medieval recreational past-times were re-enacted with rotten fruit being hurled before being eaten.
The results were truly horrific.
But not as horrific as the Sunday night headliners, Inbreds and Sons.
The Conservative party junior ministers played an entire set squealing like farm animals while playing barn-dance jigs primarily playing their instruments with their teeth.
The following morning everybody felt ashamed.
Most left Pilton mentally and physically scarred by a weekend of horror.
Not one child was spotted amid the wreckage.
Until next year, folks!
Further reading on Getintothis
MOBO Awards 2012: What Getintothis learnt.
The MOBO Awards 2010: What Getintothis learnt.
Glastonbury 2011: What Getintothis learnt.
The Getintothis Glastonbury Survival Guide.
Getintothis reviews Glastonbury Festival 2009.