Cosmic Slop #15: Why would any rational human being believe the Oasis at Glasto rumours?

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The Gallaghers. Unlikely to headline Glasto, despite what the Daily Mail says.

The Gallaghers. Unlikely to headline Glasto, despite what the Daily Mail says.

In a week were Oasis fans made ill-informed, irrational assumptions, Getintothis’ Shaun Ponsonby points out the flaws in the Glastonbury rumours.

This week, Oasis fans were prematurely in a fit of mind-numbingly laddish glee, as the press reported that Michael Eavis had dropped a major hint that the Britpoppers were reforming to fill the remaining headline slot at this year’s Glastonbury.

I don’t know about you, but my social media was awash with people who didn’t know it saying things like “I knew it”, and others who didn’t tell me so saying “told you so” and so on, whilst posting links to ever-reliable sources like the Daily Mail and Nuts Magazine.

But, did people actually read what Eavis said or even think remotely logically about the scenario?

Well, here is what Eavis Sr. actually said; “It is going to be two British bands. They will be joining forces – that’s not been done really.”  This is the phrase that has led to a dozen shoddy journalists to guess that this will be Oasis. You know, because they are technically in two camps now, with Beady Eye and Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds?

Except, Beady Eye have split up, so aren’t even a thing anymore, which means they would have to reunite before joining forces with Noel’s band.

Notice that he didn’t once suggest that any kind of reunion would be taking place. In fact, by expressing that it would be “two bands joining forces”, he seems to be expressly ruling out a reunion. McBusted seem more likely on this evidence.

Then there’s the utter lack of logic being applied.

If Oasis haven’t played together for over half a decade, they would need a large amount of rehearsal time to be ready for a gig as big as headlining Glastonbury, and probably some warm-up gigs to try and avoid the badly received headline slots they’ve performed there in the past.

So, how exactly could Noel Gallagher fit so much Oasis rehearsal in during his own touring schedule? Have all the huge Oasis fans out there forgotten that their favourite songwriter is currently on the road promoting his brand spanking new – and, judging by its #1 placing on the charts – highly successful solo album?

Well, you know the old saying; “it’s always a good idea to potentially sabotage your current projects for the sake of 90 minutes worth of nostalgia”. It’s not a great saying, but in the unlikely event that the rumours are true, then it would certainly be apt.

One very quick glance of Gallagher’s tour schedule shows that he is playing festivals in Europe that weekend with his own High Flying Birds. Although he isn’t playing on the day of Glasto’s current TBA headliner, do we really think he is going to fly over to Somerset from mainland Europe for one day to play a one-off show with the band he used to be in? Fuck, no. Saying that Oasis fans who think he will are optimistic is an understatement.

Furthermore, he doesn’t need it.

Recently, there was a rumour that Destiny’s Child were reuniting for a tour. It was trending on Twitter and some people were getting really excited. But, why the hell would Beyonce return to Destiny’s Child now? She’s a much bigger marquee name on her own.

The only reason to go back to the old group is because you can’t do it on your own or your solo career needs the good publicity. For example, Robbie Williams re-joining Take That. Gary Barlow somehow became acceptable to the public again (which, I swear, I am yet to forgive them for), and all of a sudden Williams fell out of favour, so he re-joined the old group for an album and tour. It was mega successful and he went straight back to his solo career, playing the same stadiums he played with Take That. Job done.

Similarly, Sting reunited with The Police long after his solo career’s peak. Paul Simon returned with Art Garfunkel during his commercial nadir. Notice Simon didn’t reach his commercial peak as a solo artist with Graceland and say “you know what would be great for me artistically now that I’ve well and truly established myself in a separate identity? Going back and playing songs I did twenty years ago.

Beyonce could do the Destiny’s Child thing again, probably after she does something awful and needs her profile boosting. But while she’s one of the world’s biggest stars, she probably finds the idea laughable. “Ha ha haaa!”, she would say, dismissively and mockingly to your face. “Bitch, I’m Bey!” And you would run away crying, because you’re a wimp who can’t face up to your own stupidity. Aren’t you? You are, aren’t you? You know you are. Yes, you are.

Noel Gallagher might not be the level of star that Beyonce is, but when you’re in the middle of a tour where you’re headlining T in the Park and the Calling Festival on your own, you’ve got absolutely no reason to go back to the mothership.

Then there’s the fact that Noel said a few months ago that he wouldn’t be at Glastonbury this year and that Liam flat-out doesn’t want to go back to the farm.

I don’t even particularly like Oasis outside of the odd song here and there, and yet I was able to deduce all of this by applying simple logic and searching the web for five seconds. You’d think their fans could do the same.

Of course, now that this has been published, it’ll turn out to be true and I’ll be on social media saying “I told you so” and “I knew it”, even though I didn’t know it and didn’t tell anyone so.

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