Cosmic Slop #34: Is it possible to fit the David Cameron pig allegations into a music blog?

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"I did not have sexual relations with that pig"

“I did not have sexual relations with that pig”

Getintothis’ Shaun Ponsonby tries to desperately to put a unique, music-based spin on the recent David Cameron allegations. 

As much scope as Cosmic Slop gets to bitch about all manner of things, it can also be very limiting.

Let’s be completely honest; the only thing any rational human being would want to read about this week is David Cameron’s (alleged) relationship with pigs. As much as the poor, elderly and disabled are being marginalised by this man and his government, it’s the idea of him (allegedly) ramming a dead pig’s mouth that has really captured our collective imagination. Porking the pig, if you will.

Not since the glory days of Rob Ford (the crack smoking Mayor of Toronto who responded to allegations of sexual harassment with the phrase “I’m a happily married man, I have more than enough pussy at home”) has there been a political story quite like it.

But, the question is; how do I fit that in with what Cosmic Slop and – crucially – Getintothis are all about?

For days now, I’ve been trying to find a way to make this work. Even if it wasn’t a Slop. Just something for the site to appear with the times. The trick is to find a unique angle that only we could come up with. That may sound easy, but disappointingly, I’ve come to the conclusion that there just isn’t enough necrophilia and/or bestiality in the music world.

I tried out loads of semi-hilarious on the nose ideas. I started simple, sticking to Top 10 lists because a hack like me can throw them together with relative ease. Firstly, I considered the Top 10 Songs About Pigs, which might have worked if there weren’t so few of them. There’s Pigs (Three Different Ones) by Pink Floyd, War Pigs by Black Sabbath, Piggies by The Beatles and China Pig by Captain Beefheart…after that I got a bit stuck. Feel free to add your own in the comments below, but frankly finding ten without cheating and adding something Miss Piggy from The Muppets or Piglet from Winnie The Pooh sang is quite a challenge.

How about Top 10 Rock Stars Who Have (Allegedly) Abused Animals. Things like Ozzy Osbourne biting a head off a bat. Or Ozzy Osbourne biting a head off a dove. Or Ozzy Osbourne snorting a line of ants. You know, that kind of thing.

But you may notice that this became a little Ozzy Osbourne-centric. I already did a piece pointing and laughing at his failed variety show Osbournes Reloaded a few weeks ago. I don’t want to get repetitive.

It also revealed a deeper problem; it might come across as celebrating this kind of behaviour, which we certainly are not.

So…how about Top 10 Songs About Blow Jobs?

No, didn’t think so.

Yeah…I’ve ultimately decided that a Top 10 wouldn’t be right.

So, I went another way. An investigative piece about rock stars who (allegedly) engaged in bestiality. I assumed this would be a winner. Sexual depravity of rock & roll stars from days of yore would surely give plenty of ideas. Straight away I thought of that (alleged) incident where Led Zeppelin penetrated a groupie with a shark (clearly, this woman – if true – was one of those enlightened feminist groupies). Sadly, the dark reality of what that list would involve became apparent when Ian Watkins’ name came up in an ill-advised internet search. I opted to widen the net a bit. Don’t really want to go down that road.

Is the (alleged) incident of David Cameron fucking a dead pig’s mouth a metaphor for what he is doing to the arts? Erm…nah…that just seems a bit desperate.

Unfortunately, like Dr Banner in the 1970s TV version of The Incredible Hulk, my search continues. With that really nice, sad music that used to play over the end credits as I continue on my quest. There must be a way to link the Prime Minister of Great Britain (allegedly) putting his genitalia into the mouth of a dead pig with…I dunno, Taylor Swift or something.

The answer is staring me in the face, I know it.

NEWSBITES

Destiny Child‘s manager is hopeful for a comeback album. Already covered this non-starter, thank you very much.

Chris Brown calls allegations of assault in Colorado “hilarious“? Yes, a man with a history of assault being accused of assault? Laugh riot, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Azealia Banks can go fuck herself. I can’t be bothered insulting her with any more creativity than that. Ditto to Waka Flocka Flame, for that matter.

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