Cosmic Slop #96: The Joe Swash fan club

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Joe Swash delights the nation on I'm a Celebrity

Joe Swash delights the nation on I’m a Celebrity

Since Michael Buble had to give up his high profile gig, Getintothis’ Shaun Ponsonby somehow manages to tie the Brits, Showgirls and Joe Swash together in a nice little package.

It is nearly that time; self-serving backslapping, politically motivated voting, people pretending to be massively impressed by things that are actually a bit shit. Yes! We’re slowly making it towards Awards show season, and I felt the need to write about it, and not at all because I couldn’t find much else to write about.

Oscar nominations aren’t out at the time of writing, so we don’t know how they are responding to last year’s controversy (so long as no-one has the gall to say “Maybe there just weren’t any good black actors” again, I won’t be too pissed off). But BRIT nominations are in. It is nice to see they have responded to 2016’s #BritsSoWhite fiasco. Last year having the categorically dead Amy Winehouse nominated for an award whilst the bona fide living Lianne La Havas was relegated to presenting an award was appalling.

La Havas is nominated this year though. Laura Mvula isn’t, and said that she feels inadequate as a result. Luckily, awards been jack shit, so it doesn’t matter, does it?

But, there is still some minor controversy leading up to the awards. Michael Buble was down to host, because as a Canadian he was best qualified. Sadly, he has pulled out. I’m not going to pretend that I was looking forward to a whole night of him blanding up the place, but the reason he has pulled out like a Catholic is to take care of his Cancer-striken son. Ergo, I don’t really want to make fun of him, I can’t imagine what he and his family are going through.

Luckily, there are plenty of other people to make fun of, and we can even play a game called “Who Will Helm The Shitshow?” and make fun of several at once. By the time you read this, another host may have been announced, but I quite honestly don’t care about that – it is fun to speculate anyway.

There are a lot of names being banded around in the media. James Corden – henceforth known as my mortal enemy – has been mentioned quite a bit. But, as if the universe is itching to prove my atheism, he is hosting the Grammy’s the week before. The idea that he will also host the BRITS is about as far-fetched as a Craig David comeback (but, then, we all saw how that panned out).

Cosmic Slop is crap – don’t bother clicking here to read Shaun’s archive

Ant & Dec could come back, I guess, but there isn’t much time for them to work out their massively shit routines. A few popular TV comedians could pop up and just do the material they do on tour. That would be cheap and easy.  But all of these are too obvious.

At most Getintothis meetings, I inevitably ask everybody what their favourite line in Showgirls is (for the record, mine is; “It must be weird not having anyone cum on you”), and there is a moment in the film where Cristal Connors, the star of the show, falls down a flight of stairs and can’t continue. When they are scrambling to find a replacement, throwing out Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul – you know, because their careers have hit the skids enough to even consider starring in a topless revue – Kyle MacLaughlan stops stroking his weird chin long enough to say to the backers; “We do what we always do in Vegas – we gamble,” before giving the role to supposed protagonist Nomi Malone.

I like to base most decisions on Showgirls (for example, if I eat dog food, I make sure it is Doggy Chow). So, surely, there’s a risk we could take, a left turn we could take to give the BRITS a bold, new approach?

Why, yes there is. I’m calling it now; Joe Swash.

If I have one guilty pleasure aside from Showgirls, it is those pointless, 100 Greatest countdown shows. Swash was on one the other day (I think it was Greatest 80s Movies), and I couldn’t help but marvel at how ridiculous every iota of his being is. The way he looks, his voice, his hat. He is such a preposterous site that it borders on charming. Let’s face it, if former soap stars could sing, they would all be an approximation of Michael Buble.

But, in a twist of fate, in researching Swash for the job I found that he actually does sing. Check out his classic Ollie Ollie Ollie from his days on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Outta Here.

Not since Peter Andre’s Insania has a reality TV show produced such musical genius. How could we not take a chance on this? Look how happy he made George Takei.

And he will be on form, because we are just out of panto season, so he will be used to working a crowd. He could come on and make some cheeky cockney comments, make a few references to his days on Eastenders – and the crowd will laugh politely, because really the only things people remember about Eastenders are Den and Angie’s divorce and that time Phil Mitchell was shot. He could even sing Ollie Ollie Ollie for the show’s finale, before going into the Eastenders theme, only to be joined by Anita Dobson and her husband, Brian May.

Make no mistake, this will be a triumph. Like Showgirls.

NEWSBITES

So, Donald Trump can’t even successfully book a Bruce Springsteen tribute band? Well, hopefully he’ll fare better against the world’s most powerful men and women, huh?

Can someone explain to me what’s going on with Glastonbury? Is it moving? Renaming? Having a separate event in fallow years? What the hell is going on?

RIP William Onyeabor.

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