And we thought the BRITS was bad.
The 51st Grammy Awards was screened last night, we took a few notes…
* U2 return and open the show with new single Get On Your Boots which can only be described as a pant-wettingly embarrassing rock pastiche which sees Bono squeeling: ‘I’ve gotta submarine, you’ve got gasoline, I don’t wanna talk about wars between nations.’
Take that world poverty!
* Whitney Houston is resurrected – the greatest advert for not taking crack. Or marrying Bobby Brown. She has no eyes.
* Justin Timberlake may fail at comedy, but he’s still pop’s equivalent of a Galaxy chocolate bar. Smooooth.
* Fair play to the Chris Martin Band. Lost is a decent song, pity Chris is dressed like Paddington Bear. WOAH! There’s the Jigga… Oh, and he’s gone.
The remainder of the Chris Martin Band resemble a box of Quality Street in their ridiculously camp purple and pink military get-up.
* Duffy looks fine. And, accompanied by Al Green, sounds fine.
* Kid Rock. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAHAAA! He sings Amen then that number one, all the while a scally in a trackie spins twelves on the decks. God bless America.
* Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus = Wikipedia. Huh?
* Robert (Bob to his mates) Plant and Alison Krauss win ‘Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals’. Seriously, there are so many categories at this thing you’d have to be pretty useless (or Kid Rock) not to pick up summat.
* Finishing You Pulled Me Through, Jennifer Hudson loses control of her emotions allowing a huge string of spit to flob out of her mouth. Apart from that her performance is forgettable.
* The Jonas Brothers manage to make U2 appear understated as they gyrate, posture and whoop around an 18 stone figure that looks and sounds a bit like Stevie Wonder.
* BLINK 182 IS BACK!!! *collective shrug*
* The Chris Martin Band confess to having ‘as much charm as limestone‘. Seriously, who’s gonna argue.
* Katie Perry, emerging from a banana, is dressed as an artificial fruit bowl. Seriously, who’s gonna argue.
* At last, a champion! Kanye West – and Estelle – choon! Kanye rocking the Micah Richard‘s mohawk and Thriller-era Jacko costume. Estelle looks like a leftover chicken wing wrapped in tinfoil.
* Adele does a bit of Kate Winslet when accepting her Best Newcomer Award but rescues herself by taking a cheeky dig at the Jonas Brothers.
* The Yellow Pages ad contained the best music thus far.
* Reet, this is genuinely odd. M.I.A. – who was meant to be giving birth on the day of the Grammy’s – is on stage in what can only be described as a ladybird outift, showing off her considerable bulge, performing a completely off the wall mash up of Paper Planes/Swagga Like Us with (deep breath) Kanye, Jay-Z, TI and Lil Wayne.
* Kate Beckinsale. Hello.
* Macca with Dave Grohl – I Saw Her Standing There; someone’s defo been instructed to turn Davey’s kit mics up, they’re loud.
* Gwenny winked at Chris. Lovely. Then introduced a marching band – and Radiohead! Wow, Thom (Thom, to his mates) Yorke looking seriously Ewok-like; super-dooper hi-tops too. They do 15 Step – obviously the performance of the night, hands down; digging the ‘yeah’ yelp midway through. With all the brass, it’s verging on Bond Theme musik. ACE!
* Jack Black has borrowed Peanut Kaiser Chief‘s hat.
* Honestly feels like this has been going on for several days. Adele is performing with Jennifer Nettles. No relation to John. Presumably.
* Just turned the sound down while TI and Timberlake bore the pants off, plus DiS recommended this by Gui Boratto. Sweet.
* This is turning into the Bobby Plant and Alison Krauss show. Zzzzzzz. Oh, and they’ve won record of the year too. Sounds like people are booing. Oh, maybe yawning.
* Stevie’s back. To sing over about 20 minutes worth of credits. People are walking out like the end of a footie match where you’ve seen your side take a walloping – brilliant! Ah, well, Stevie’s none the wiser – he’s plodding on.
* Roll on The BRITS. Nothing could be as insipid as that.
Better than any of the above, Diplo‘s drunken Twitters during the Grammys. Getintothis.