Cosmic Slop #97: How is Chris Brown still a thing?

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

As nobody’s favourite obnoxious punching bag, Chris Brown, stirs controversy once again, Getintothis’ Shaun Ponsonby asks why we bother to keep him around. 

Believe it or not, there was a time when Chris Brown was an innocent, fresh faced teen on the scene. It is completely impossible to imagine that now, but I assure you it is true. Let’s not pretend that we don’t know what led to the change of circumstance. It’s amazing the kind of chain of events that beating a woman unrecognisable can set off.

This week on Saturday Night Live, host Aziz Ansari naturally based his monologue on the new Presid…Presi…the new Presid – nope, can’t say it yet – Donald Trump. At one point he compared the Trump voters who aren’t racist/sexist/homophobic to Chris Brown’s audience who might like the odd tune.

In a failed bid to show he was nothing like Trump, Brown took to social media to bitch about Saturday Night Live and that he “can’t fucking catch a break” in a video captioned with “Don’t fucking trust what you see – even salt looks like sugar,” just like Trump has been doing in regards to Alec Baldwin’s portrayal of him on the same show.

Now, with all due respect, Chris – which is actually zero, but excuse the figure of speech – I think you have fucking caught many a break. They knew they had far too much money invested in you to let the pesky matter of abhorrent domestic abuse stand in the way of their own bank balances. So, the minute you finished your slap on the wrist community service, they welcomed you back into the fold and since then you have had multiple hit singles, six top 10 albums and you’ve even won a Grammy. At what point have you not had a break?

Or do you mean from the non-“Team Breezy” public?

Well, Chris, it isn’t just that you beat Rihanna to a pulp eight years ago (although, granted, that is most of it), but also the total lack of remorse for the whole ordeal. Oh, you might have said that you are sorry in the kind of half arsed way that people desperate to save their careers do, but actions speak louder than words, and you don’t actually act like you are sorry, or that you have learned any kind of lesson.

You haven’t shown that you are trying to work on whatever issues you seem to have. There’s this thing called “self-improvement”, you should try it. I know you know it exists, because you often tweet the kind of meaningless, bullshit messages about growth and life’s journey that stupid people think are profound. You should give it a go for reals, it can be quite rewarding and I know from experience that it can stop you from screaming “What’s the point??!!” and throwing yourself in front of a train.

No, instead you blow up when you are understandably questioned about it on Good Morning America, and throw a chair out of the window, rip your shirt off and storm into the street. You constantly play the victim, releasing an album called F.A.M.E., an acronym for Forgiving All My Enemies. Which is grand – thank you for forgiving us for that time we called you out for putting a woman in the hospital, and hurling homophobic abuse at Frank Ocean, and beating two dudes with your bodyguards, and injuring eight people during a scuffle with Drake. Hell, even in your response to Ansari, you couldn’t help be a bit racist and homophobic by referring to him as a “dick-riding Aladdin”, whatever the spunk that is supposed to mean.

Basically, Chris, you haven’t fucking earned a break.

Cosmic Slop thrives on this kind of bullshit – read Shaun’s archive here

There is a point to be made that it would be best to separate art from artist, but that’s the thing, innit? There’s nothing special about Chris Brown. He isn’t the first and won’t be the last pop star to be a misogynist, homophobic, egotistical twatbuckle, but the least he can do if he is going to stick around is make decent records. Did you hear his big hit last year, Back To Sleep? Musically, a Sexual Healing rip-off, lyrically the chorus goes “Fuck you back to sleep, girl”. I can only assume that he is as unimaginative in the sack as he is with his lyrics and she falls asleep because it feels like the better option. No wonder “the ho’s ain’t loyal”. That ain’t how sex songs work.

Worse still, this was on an album named after his daughter, with an image of the two of them on the cover. Mixed messages indeed. He is even shit at the thing he is supposed to be famous for. I mean, we are talking Derulo-level crap here.

There are a lot of artists that are just horrible human beings. Phil Spector, James Brown and John Lennon are all people who did some inexcusable things to women. However, there is no way to frame the development of popular music and not include them, and we would be living in a different world if they didn’t exist. If you remove Chris Brown from music history, nothing changes. Literally nothing. He is a footnote at best. Everything he does draws straight from the R&B cliche handbook.

So why does he keep getting pushed? It isn’t his talent. It isn’t his charming personality. Oh, yeah, all that money they invested in him.

So, people, I beg of you, don’t let them get away with this shit. If you can find a way to un-listen to his stock, uninspired bollocks, then do.

Chris Brown is actually a lot more like Trump than Ansari had assumed; the social media whingeing, the racism, sexism and homophobia he has displayed, the arrogance, playing the victim. It’s all there. As it stands, he is currently banned from entering the UK due to his criminal charges. I am more than happy for it to stay that way. Anything to bruise his fragile ego.


Nice to see Slayer’s Tom Araya complaining about “snowflakes” and laughing at a gay fan, saying “Mike Pence is turning fruits into vegetables“. We get it, you’re a big manly man who does man things and definitely aren’t over compensating

Are people really complaining that the British Eurovision finalists are all X Factor rejects? Aren’t they both more or less the same thing? Does anyone really think we’re gonna win after Brexit? Are there still people who give a shit?




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