Ralph Lauren make record shopping look like the most bullshit pastime ever

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Ralph Lauren Advert

Ralph Lauren’s new promo

Clothes horse Ralph Lauren present quite possibly the most horrific portrayal of one of our favourite things to do, GetintothisPeter Guy is not impressed.

There’s few things we enjoy more at Getintothis HQ than bobbing into our record shop on lunch times to sift through the stock and see what delights will tempt us to part with our monies instead of buying a cruddy meal deal.

So it was much to our chagrin when we saw the latest Ralph Lauren advert reducing record shopping into some kind of hideous la-di-da jaunt that Katie Hopkins would enjoy while taking time out from patronising the working class.

There’s so much wrong with this promo it’s hard to know where to begin, but let’s have a jolly good go:

i) ‘Records & Goods‘ says the shop’s slogan. WRONG. No self-respecting record shop is called ‘Records & Goods‘ – you may as well called it ‘Vinyl & Things‘ or ‘Black Discs & Stuff‘ or ‘Crates & Biscuits‘.

In fact, ‘Crates & Biscuits‘ is quite a good name. In fact it’s hard to think of a more execrable name for a record shop than ‘RECORDS & GOODS’. How about ‘Ralph’s Records’? Yep, that’d get the wankers in.

ii) Before the record even hits the player, the first noise we hear is the clinking of china cups and some background chitter chatter – that’s because Ralph Lauren has never actually been to a record shop (where you only hear sneers and nondescript muttering). Instead he shops for music in a department store. Right next to the shitty cafe decked out in neutral colours serving Assam tea and avocado sandwiches.

iii) The second noise you hear is quaint, faux 1920’s Charleston-like jazz. Probably created on a Mac by a dude that runs a Costa coffeeshop. No one has ever, ever played this kind of dross in a record shop. They never will.

iv) This is brilliant… Cut to the records and they’re sectioned in what can only be described as the most preposterous pigeonholing known to man.

‘Field Recordings’, ‘Environvents [sic]Series’, ‘Avant Garde M-W’ and best of all (what appears to be) ‘Nurse With No Neck Brace’. Or something. Either the director is attempting to drop a not so subtle ‘the jokes on you, Ralph’ kinda Chris Morris aside. Or it merely reaffirms what a phoney crock of shit this entire concept is.

v) Cut to the central characters. And yep, our suspicions are confirmed, this is truly one of the nadirs in the history of advertising. Donald Draper would be apoplectic. Roger Sterling would be choking on his oysters. Peggy Olson would batter someone to death with her typewriter.

Ralph’s record buying public are revealed: Dickhead Trumpton, dressed up like a Troy-era Brad Pitt masquerading as the sixth member of Mumford, proudly shows off his record acquisition to Delores Crackhead, who stares and points like she’s accidentally adopted an African orphan.

The pair, resembling newly sworn in UKIP members, then proceed to proudly fawn over the slice of wax like a recently executed fox. ‘Isn’t it adorable, darling, it even has a little hole…’

He, of course, is using a safety pin to keep his tie in place. Because he’s punk. She, of course, sports a scruffy grunge scarf (which she never takes off on the dancefloor). Because she’s a punk. A pair of fucking punks who go record shopping in their lunchtime. He in his tweed pantaloons. Complete with friendship and festival wristbands plus coquettish girlfriend who can’t keep her hands off him. Especially when he’s perusing the latest compilation of Music To Go Deerhunting To in the Environvents Series. Whatever.

vi) There follows a sickening game of petting, necking, flirting and teasing as some operatic gack gushes through the mix in some kind of low-rent Italian tepid wank dribble. Presumably because they found a Japanese Import of Sigh No More before neatly seguing into some junk-shop rock & roll fodder as the camera pans over lots and lots of records. Just in case you’d forgotten you were in a record shop in the first place. As opposed to a public school porn shoot. With a mangled badger’s body just out of shot.

The Polo women loves the mix of color and texture, old and new, romantic and bold. She creates her own personal style every day,” says Ralph. Absolute pony.

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16 Comments

  1. Most non-existent pastime ever, Liverpool may be an exception, but as far as I know there is just one record shop in the whole of South London, here.
    Central London has only a few hidden away, aside from HMV Oxford Street.
    Not surprising that the under-30s who probably made this ad haven’t a clue, really!

    • Non-existent past time? Are you mad? In peckham alone there is three record shops, 10 mins each end in nunhead and camberwell there are others. Not to mention Brixton and all the countless charity shops in between. If you think the only place to get records is in central london you are daft.

  2. One flaw in this piece, the filing system looks genuine, the Environments Series is a series of field recordings by Atlantic Records from the 70s (and are absolutely fantastic) and would go between Strange New Age and Avant Garde. If you liked records you would know this.

  3. Louis Vuitton renaissance man on

    Dear Ed’ the problem is, your review is much more cheesy & pointless that the advert . Like it or not, RL have clout to spout about their product. You, on the other hand, have nothing worthwhile to offer other than this expletively accentuated waffle, obviously touting for some kind of literary Brownie points. Try focusing energy on praising the current renaissance of vinyl collecting, albeit short lived.

  4. “The second noise you hear is quaint, faux 1920’s Charleston-like jazz. Probably created on a Mac by a dude that runs a Costa coffeeshop. No one has ever, ever played this kind of dross in a record shop. They never will.”

    Actually I totally just did a jazz set at a record store, including some 1920’s 78’s. It happens

  5. I just love how the very final shot is that of an absolutely filthy LP, that looks like it was stored for 28 years outside of its sleeve in a box in someone’s attic, spinning on the turntable. Like any turntable owner with any sense whatsoever would put a needle on that thing…

  6. funny – I read the article and saw the video , and the writer missed a MAJOR thing – the only band name in the record store is SEX PISTOLS – (right about at 0:09 ) not sure whether Ralph just wanted SEX in add subliminally or as an homage to fellow “clothes designer” Malcolm McClaren – Sex Pistols is clearly there–
    I like the article – the observations are correct– I also like that the writer is defensive enough for us Rekkid Collectiz ! It would be fun and good advertising to run a series of ads with different record store customers – buying different things! c’mon!

  7. This ad sucks but this piece is clueless. The record store is a real one, like the name or not, in California, and the sections are completely legit. Making fun of a NURSE WITH WOUND section only shows the ignorance of the writer and says nothing about the commercial itself. First rule of mocking something: make sure you know what you are talking about in the first place.