Cosmic Slop #23: When did Taylor Swift become the most powerful person in the world?

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Taylor Swift crawling underneath some arses

Taylor Swift crawling underneath some arses

As Taylor Swift successfully takes on Apple, Getintothis’ Shaun Ponsonby wonders what other world problems she could solve.

I seem to be in a minority, but I just can’t stomach Taylor Swift. Everybody else I know seems to have given in to the power of The Swift. But I can’t do it.

Even the rest of Getintothis voted for Shake It Off as the second best track of 2014, even though she says “THIS. SICK. BEAT.” Even though the idea of Taylor Swift rapping literally used to be a joke. Even though in the video she attempts to carry off the image of “I’m just innocent little Taylor! I can’t do all this stuff the big stars do”, even though she is one of those big stars. Even though it’s a song where a famous person complains about “haterz”, something only very famous people have and most people can’t relate to. I guess it’s a catchy pop tune, but I just can’t swallow the whole thing in one.

In fact, Shake It Off reminded me of Avril Lavigne. Remember when Avril was an outcast skater kid and then when that stopped working she did that awful Girlfriend song, where she started picking on the outcast kid in the video? Though admittedly, Taylor was way smarter about the change than Avril. Probably because Taylor Swift is smarter than Avril Lavigne. Only one of these women married Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. Guess which one.

But, it’s working for her, probably because she’s been smarter about it. So maybe I should just shut my big, disgusting, crusty gob.

I do commend her recent efforts to use her position to help other artists though. Earlier this week, Apple made a U-turn on their policy of not paying musicians, producers, songwriters or rights holders during the three-month free trial of their upcoming streaming service. Swift, quite rightly, opposed to this, temporarily pulling her back catalogue and writing an open letter to Apple. And they caved.

Eddy Cue, Apple’s senior vice president of Internet Software and Services, posted to twitter;

Now, Apple is one of the world’s most powerful organisations, worth around $730 billion and Taylor Swift just brought them to their knees, crying and imploring for forgiveness. Cue was seconds away from writing a sorrowful poem for her;

I am very sorry Taylor
I don’t want to fail ‘er
We have rectified our policy
Jenny Frost was born in Wallasey

Wow. Poetry is easy.

There’s a couple of obvious questions begging to be answered here. Firstly, did Apple hashtag themselves in that tweet? Secondly, when did Taylor Swift become the most powerful person in the world?

Did I miss a meeting? It’s likely. The rest of the GIT team will attest how irregularly I attend meetings (once). But I’m sure I’d have seen the agenda for this one and insisted on attending and making my objections known. This happened so fast that none of us were aware it was happening. Five minutes ago she was singing songs with such broad topics as boys, and a boy in school that she likes, and a boy in school who likes her best friend better than her, and how she’d rather just play her guitar in her room than go out with a boy in school. Now she’s some kind of internationally governing Goddess.

Frankly, I think she’s better at this than she is at music. OK, she has a huge audience, but her real talent is quite obviously in problem solving. If Superman III taught us anything, it’s that Richard Pryor should never have been cast in the movie. But it was trying to teach us that we must be careful with how we use our powers. And clearly Swift is now in a position to change the world. Just think, there’s all manner of things that Taylor Swift can solve with her newfound status.

Greece have got it pretty bad economically right now. There must be a way she can help there? Maybe she could play a series of free concerts in Athens that boosts tourism and, consequently, the economy.

Surely a Taylor Swift mascot would be less objectionable than the demonic Lisa Simpson that Partick Thistle – who I’m told are a football team – currently have. Why doesn’t she donate one?

Who else has it in them to solve the Israel – Palestine conflict? She drags Israel over to Palestine (or vice versa) and forces them to shake hands. Bill Clinton nearly managed it in the 90s, but, let’s be honest, he’s no Taylor Swift.

At the very, very least, she should have her own syndicated tabloid talk show. A Sally Jesse Raphael or Ricki Lake for the new millennium. She would talk to people about whatever the theme of the show might be. Something sexy, like I Want To Strip, or something exploitative like My Son Has Fingers Where His Toes Should Be or something that’s supposed to be mildly amusing like I’m Allergic To Beans! (the exclamation mark is mandatory). Taylor listens to the problems and the comments from the audience, considers all sides , and then gives her Jerry’s Final Thought moment in song. And Taylor Swift‘s ruling is LEGALLY BINDING.

After sweeping up many of the award ceremonies this season, the only thing left is the Nobel Peace Prize. Any number of these suggestions will set her well on her way to following in the footsteps of Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama.

I think it’s practically a certainty that Kanye West will take the stage at Glastonbury on Saturday and claim that Beyonce wrote an open letter to Apple first, and that Tidal always paid the artists because Beyonce and Jay-Z are the most important and talented and most amazing people in the world. Except that’s irrelevant. Because clearly Taylor Swift has now overtaken Beyonce in the hierarchy.

Don’t fuck with Taylor Swift.

NEWSBITES

Is it just me, or is Madonna trying desperately to prove that she has a sense of humour these days? After telling Jonathan Ross she was funny with a surprisingly sinister tone, and a cringeworthy attempt at stand-up comedy on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, she’s now hired stand up comedian Amy Schumer to open her New York shows in September. There’s such a thing as trying too hard, Madge. Well…look who I’m talking to.

According to Emily Eavis, Glastonbury 2016 headliners are already booked. Funny, they say that every year, and more often than not that seems to not be true with a last minute scramble for someone regardless (e.g. The Who, Metallica, Beyonce)

Kanye West Compares Himself to DaVinchi and a Chair” is obviously the greatest headline in history.

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